nananananana

can not brain

Ever have one of those days that never seems to end? I am having one of those days.

Nothing in particular happened today that would make it so intolerable, perhaps a minor but slightly jarring incident, initiated by some force of nature that cannot be blamed or scolded like gravity or sleeplessness or wind, but nothing I can really put my finger on.

Please! I would just like to go home, have a bath, eat some pizza and ice cream, play with my dumb dumb dog and call it a day.

So dearest today - that's enough. I kind of hate you for no reason at all, so please just get out of my face.

new nugget posts!

Bonjour les nerds,

Please check out my other site to read all about the wonder that is my pregnancy:

The Nugget Diaries

whoreloween

Halloweeners. Ha. Weeners.

the presidential erection

American presidential elections are so dramatically exciting.

I mean, binders full of women? Legitimate rape? Bayonets? A guy named Newt?!! I can't get enough!

Compared to France - where our presidential elections are usually a matter of voting between tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber to help our country decide whether it wants to guillotine its own face off or shoot itself in the weener - the American presidential elections are like Vegas, high traffic, a lot of glitter and full of possibilities.

Where is Allie Brosh?

rawr

Waking up is hard to do

a pregnant pause

eke is not handling this news very well...

To be fair, neither did I. When I found out that husband had filled my vagina with the filthy semen that will eventually become our child, I was in complete shock.

While husband can take his sweet time getting use to the idea -  on account that he has nine months or so to adjust - I, on the other hand, was immediately slapped across the face by mother nature. bitch.

One minute I was blissfully drunk on an island in the Caribbean, the next I was back home peeing on a stick and SPLAT - my life was instantaneously stripped of all the good in the world.

No Alcohol (oh, sweet satan juice how I miss you) 

No Coffee

No Cigarettes

No Soft cheese

No Smoked seafood

No Raw meat

No Deli meat

No Shellfish

No anything unpasteurised

I feel like women should get some kind of temporary pregnancy reprieve to experience something of a 'last hoorah'. A zygote-free night, with lots of explosions, minor nudity, pink wine and lots of tuxedos. Then we can go back to being pregnant.

 But that's not how it works, unfortunately, because mother nature is a vagina hating lunatic.

Where is Allie Brosh?

spermed

Is anyone still out there??

If so, you better put some seatbelts on your ears, cause Im about to take them for the ride of their lives...

To document this disgusting event, I have started another website complete with cartoons and my signature batshit humour. If anyone is still out there, please visit www.nuggetdiaries.blogspot.com 

frappuccino

when I think about you I touch myself

If I offer you some of my gummy bears, I am just trying to be polite. If you actually take one, you're a dickbag forever. 

I'm back!

♪♫All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom♫♪ ~ Hip Hop Terrorists maybe

undefeated in fist fights against unborn babies

It's been a while .

Unforgivably, I have, and will remain to be, preposterously busy and have little time for eke....makes my brain full of crying. All the time.

Below are a few things that have happened over the last few weeks that I thought worthy of note:

- Yesterday I went to the dentist to get one of my cavities filled (I have six, cause of all the candy I eat for breakfast) where I was given a bit of nitrous oxide to calm my wiggles. When I came home I tried putting my socks on, I tried and I tried and I tried. Then I realised I was trying to put underwear on my feet.

- I can't wear push up bras because I get distracted by my cleavage.

That is all.

not a vagina

I don't have anything new to post because, as I previously mentioned, I have run out of time and my brain is full of fuck, but I do have a question...

does this look like a vagina to anyone else??

And there like, Its better than yours...

I found this on my computer (milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?)


...also, I miss you guys

no time.

I have run out of time.

Seriously I think I used it all up doing something ridiculous like collecting stickers. I use to have all sorts of time, enough to play hide & seek at Ikea or write love letters to David Spade.

I feel like everyday I wake up only to be slapped in the face with a seemingly endless list of tasks. And it's like my job doesn't even like me, it hates me, all it wants is for me to be too tired to live. And my wedding is a monster beast that wants to drink all my blood.

Anyway, I may not be updating here as often as I'd like, and if there's anybody out there actually still reading my cartoons, I am le sorry.

racism

I am not a racist. I know this because I went to a Tyler Perry movie once.

Racism in an ugly, ugly thing.  Unless you make it about penises, then it's just funny.

Oh man, penises are hilarious. If I had one I think I would rub it on everyone, regardless of whether they are in the mood.

I need things

I just need a fucking robot.

Because some days I lose my pencils and can't find my life and I end up accidentally smashing into walls like a mole on meth. So I need some kind of intelligent machine to follow me around and help with with things. And it would be made out of pillows because that way it would be nice, cause you can't be mean when you're made of god damn pillows.

l'amour!

Love is patient, love is kind...

my dickhead

Dickhead is my older sister. Pretty much, I call her Dickhead because she looks like a penis.

Fine, she doesn't look like a penis. Dickhead is a stunning version of Sandra Bullock with deep brown eyes that merge effortlessly with her well-groomed eyebrows. She is a spectacular mother.

Dickhead is a badass, there is no other way of putting it. I  mean, she doesn’t carry out ridiculous feats of bad-assery, like fighting invisible rabid spider monkeys, she just has her shit together.

Dickhead is loyal, and I know that I can always count on her. She can get anyone out of a sticky situation using only her right handed bitch-slap. A bitch-slap so intense that it would even make Chuck Norris start to menstruate and cry like a little bitch. It's a magic bullet of pure power. Everyone respects it. Everyone fears it.

She is widely hilarious. When Wildabeast was about six, Dickhead taught her some valuable facts of life. Like, that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being, which is why, she explained, blow jobs were invented.

The Dickhead story started a few years ago, before Dickhead's nugget was spawned. It was a rare occasion as the entire family (including attachments) was present. We were all sitting at the family table having dinner. My father started to moustache something about each of his daughters...."this one is pretty and this one is smart and this one is slutty"

He gets to my older sister, points at her and just says:

and she was like:

And the rest of us were like:

And then he was like:

"Listen, you're the biggest dickhead I know"

"Look at you! You're being a dickhead right now!"

"You're the epitome of a dickhead, everyone knows it. We talk about it all the time!"

"You're just such a dickhead!"

At this point, the rest of us were falling over ourselves laughing. My older sister's head had exploded and my Dad was moustaching about how she is the mother of all dickheads louder and louder in order to be heard over everyone.

It was here that he explained how she is a dickhead because she knows what she wants, doesn't take no for an answer, blablablbalbla. My brother-in-law interjected in an effort to halt my older sister from further combustion. The man took a plunge of death and corrected my father.

Then things got super awesome because my father asked:

"oh, then what's a dickhead???"

robo-suicide

I have no cartoon for you guys today so here is a robot committing suicide.

like hugging a cactus

I do not like hugs. I never know what to do with my arms. Or my hips, I sometimes end up in this strange sideways position like I'm trying to hide a boner which doesn't make any sense because, vagina. Also, I always end up going in the same direction as my hugger during the approach which can get super awkward.

The whole situation just makes me uneasy, it makes my butt sweat a little and just generally stresses me out. 

I think maybe I'm like a koala when it comes to hugging. Sure, it may look like you want to hug me however, upon closer inspection you will note a scratched out sign around my neck that says "beware! I bite!"

Something I hate even more than hugs is when girls say "I love you" to me. It puts a weird taste in my mouth and makes me want to throw my uterus on the floor.

reasons are for boring people

I only play rock, paper, middle finger; mother fuckers don't see that shit coming.

my wildabeast

The Wildabeast: Holy batshit, batman she is weird.  Click here for an introduction.

This morning at Startbucks they were offering free lattes to people who introduced themselves to the barista. I introduced myself to the barista under my Starbucks name, Anastasia Beaverhousen. Instantly I was reminded of the late Karen Walker and how much my youngest sister, the wildabeast,  reminds me of her. Both of their Pikachus are like Vegas, high traffic and full of glitter.

The wildabeast is beautiful, which is really her only option, being such a freak. She has an artist's eye for men who blur the lines between art and genitals. A late bloomer though, as I remember having to explain to her at the ridiculous age of about 11 what kissing was when, after catching her with her tiny ear jammed up against my older sister's door and asking her why she was spying - she explained to me that my older sister had been 'whispering right in a boy's mouth' all day - RIGHT IN IT! And she'd gone all Nancy Drew, determined to figure out what the secret was and report back up to Mystery Creek.

The wildabeast now dresses impeccably and consistently. But this wasn't always the case. Growing up she had two outfits, naked, and beauty and the beast underwear. When she was about five during lunch one day she had the following conversation with my Grandmother:

> wildabeast: Grandma, why doesn’t your skin fit your face?

> Grandmother: because I am old, little! 

> wildabeast: How old are you? You look like you're about 5 billion years old. 

> Grandmother: Oh, I don't remember anymore, little. I just tell people I'm as old as my skin hangs. 

> wildabeast: You're stupid. Let me look in the back of your underwear, it will say your age. Mine say AGE:5, see? [puts the underwear she was previously just wearing on the table, as proof]

But that's wildabeast, and she's still pretty weird. She thought her hiccups were her teeth coughing. She called her farts 'butt dust'.

maybe i hate you

Most of the time, before 10am I'm bordering the line between a complete caffeine induced nervous breakdowns and delicate retardation rendering me unable to figure out how stairs work. Last week I was the latter, dramatically.

Masked by enormous amounts of coffee, I went about my days being extremely angry and incredibly stupid about exceptionally important things, like seedless grapes.

Proof: I walked out of the house in just my tights, having forgotten to put on my skirt.

I was so clumsy I am now convinced that my ancestry comprises of species with a different number of arms. Like an octopus.

Proof: I was eating a banana when I got an itch on the side of my face. I stuck the banana in my ear. *high five self* 

bananananana

When I was little I always thought that the batman theme song was "Bananananananana" cause he like, really liked bananas or something.  

For more information on the D.A.R.D movement, please visit Mayor Gia

WINNING!

These are all so amazing I can't handle it! 

Stay tuned for the winner, your suggestions are welcomed! 

*****************

From the students of  http://www.redheadedgeisha.com/ I present to you: 

drawn by Adrianna, the princess manatee: 

drawn by Haw Wei, the "Mean-a-tee"

drawn by Nick, the "princess-tee"

drawn by the infamous Mayor Gia...her name is Melissa. She's not tiny, but she thinks she is so please don't critisize her, Gia doesnt want her getting another complex. 

made by Stephanie over at Clay Baboons. She makes these amazing clay creatures & people to go along with her regularly hysterical stories.

made by Valli Ann Warry ...how amazing is this!? This is talent. I want to put it in my underwear I like it so much. 

drawn by the lovely eef-inc, one of my very first followers and favourite cartoons on the web. 

drawn by the insane JRose of Cheeseblarg. I can never get enough of this woman. I would do things to live in her pocket. 

drawn by TheChimp herself, one of my favourite people on the internet. 

no assholes allowed

God dammit depression is depressing.

I am by no means an expert - and I realise I am making a sweeping generalisation - but for every second person suffering with depression, it seems to be the case that at some point in their life they were surrounded by arseholes.

I do not like assholes. They make me wish I had more middle fingers.