my dickhead


Dickhead is my older sister. Pretty much, I call her Dickhead because she looks like a penis.



Fine, she doesn't look like a penis. Dickhead is a stunning version of Sandra Bullock with deep brown eyes that merge effortlessly with her well-groomed eyebrows. She is a spectacular mother.

Dickhead is a badass, there is no other way of putting it. I  mean, she doesn’t carry out ridiculous feats of bad-assery, like fighting invisible rabid spider monkeys, she just has her shit together.

Dickhead is loyal, and I know that I can always count on her. She can get anyone out of a sticky situation using only her right handed bitch-slap. A bitch-slap so intense that it would even make Chuck Norris start to menstruate and cry like a little bitch. It's a magic bullet of pure power. Everyone respects it. Everyone fears it.

She is widely hilarious. When Wildabeast was about six, Dickhead taught her some valuable facts of life. Like, that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being, which is why, she explained, blow jobs were invented.

The Dickhead story started a few years ago, before Dickhead's nugget was spawned. It was a rare occasion as the entire family (including attachments) was present. We were all sitting at the family table having dinner. My father started to moustache something about each of his daughters...."this one is pretty and this one is smart and this one is slutty"

He gets to my older sister, points at her and just says:


and she was like:
And the rest of us were like:

And then he was like:

"Listen, you're the biggest dickhead I know"

"Look at you! You're being a dickhead right now!"

"You're the epitome of a dickhead, everyone knows it. We talk about it all the time!"

"You're just such a dickhead!"



At this point, the rest of us were falling over ourselves laughing. My older sister's head had exploded and my Dad was moustaching about how she is the mother of all dickheads louder and louder in order to be heard over everyone.

It was here that he explained how she is a dickhead because she knows what she wants, doesn't take no for an answer, blablablbalbla. My brother-in-law interjected in an effort to halt my older sister from further combustion. The man took a plunge of death and corrected my father.


Then things got super awesome because my father asked:

"oh, then what's a dickhead???"














39 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahha great story. Oh dubya. Good call.

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  2. I think you could have squeezed in a couple more dickheads for good measure! lol

    I'm curious to know how the brother-in-law responded to that question?

    I have 2 older brothers and they are both dickheads! I guess that makes me the only pussy of the bunch! lol

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    1. I think the brother-in-law answered something witty, like "a dickhead is someone like George Bush"...

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  3. Eke... oh Eke lol... this was so funny! I just don't know which part I liked the best - it's all so good! Your dad sounds awesome and I loved the hesitant brother-in-law trying to speak up for his dickhead wife lol... so funny! And the teaching of bjs to young Wildabeast was beautiful too. Just love this post!

    I left a question for you on my blog in regard to swimming nude in France - if you have a minute to check it out I would love hearing your answer. Thanks!

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    1. I forgot to mention - that cartoon of your sister as an actually physical dickhead was good beyond words.

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    2. Thanks Bozo! I will check out your blog and get back to you this weekend, promise.

      My sisters are insane. They make great stories.

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  4. OMG this sounds like something my father would do xD.

    Awesome post!

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    1. Thanks Meredith. Dumb Fathers are awesome and especially if they have moustaches.

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  5. This makes me laugh so hard! I feel so bad for your sister! How do you even respond to that "compliment"!

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    1. She didn't respond. She seriously just sat there astonished. I was just scared that she might bitch-slap my Dad which would have been so interesting to watch!

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  6. Hilarious eke! I love how your dad talks in moustache and I love "huge uterus"
    You are exceptionally talented and funny!

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    1. Gweenbrick! Youre too much. Im not that talented, really. I'm just really weird.

      But I will take the compliment because coming from you it's HUGE!

      Huge uterus is another sister, another really funny story.

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  7. omg this is HILARIOUS!!!!

    I must know though, were you the pretty, smart, or slutty one? =]

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    1. I can't remember but Im pretty sure I was the "smart" one that secretly wished she was the slutty one. Ugh.

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  8. Fun with English, and dickheads

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    1. Fun with Dickheads is going to be the title of my book. Seriously.

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  9. Ha ha ha ha - I remember saying words to my mum that she didn't know the meaning of - then she found out what they meant and we got whacked.

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    1. You got whacked? Your mom was in the Mafia? UGH! That's SO much cooler than having a Dad with a stupid moustache!

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  10. Oh my gosh this made me laugh so hard! Your poor sister!!! Lolol, your dad is hilarious. XD So how did you guys define "dickhead" to him?

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    1. Glad to hear it made you laugh!

      My brother-in-law told my dad about what dickheads were in reality whilst Wildabeast told him that they are people with dicks on their heads.

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  11. Oh I love when parents confuse words. My father in law always liked to say "daddy like" because he's Mexican and he literally thought it meant I, as a father, like this. We had to tell him that he was wrong and stop creeping everyone out.

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    1. Haha. Dads....what idiots.

      My mother doesnt speak English and interrupted a heated conversation between the Wildabeast and I to ask "what eeeeeze a DOUCHEkopteeerrrrre?" ("what is a douchecopter with french accent)...

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  12. this is absolutely hilarious! It also got me some weird looks since I was reading it in French class and people may have glanced at the giant penis on the screen.

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    1. YES! You're the only person who commented on the giant penis. It was pretty much the best thing I've ever done in my life. Whilst shading it in I thought "yep, I am doing life right, shading a giant dick"

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    2. Hahaha, you have a true talent. C'est géni(t)al.

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  13. You're dad sounds like he says shit how it it's....or he doesn't have a clue what he's talking about.... Either way, funny!

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  14. You just made my year... I love learning new um slang?

    Thanks for sharing!

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    ReplyDelete