Any zoo is a petting zoo, unless you're a little BITCH.
It's a rapunzel thing.
One time, this dude I was boning and I reached an impasse - I refused to shave my legs until he shaved his face fuck hair. I didn't shave my legs for three months and it was amazing. I felt like a gorilla you'd wanna throw it into.
Robin Williams
What a sad, sad day.
The media is reporting a lot around how Robin Williams "has lost his battle with depression". There are many words which describe him, but loser is not one. As we say goodbye to this brilliant man, it is we who are the losers.
rash, she calls it anal
I have this friend. Her name is Rash, and holy crap is she
awesome. I call her Rash because she is a demon masturbator (her cooter
probably gets all chafed and overused, hence ‘Rash’).
One of my favorite things about her is that we don’t even
have to talk about how, pretty much, I am her favorite person. To be honest, I
think she likes me so much; it essentially blurs the line between our
friendship and lesbianism. Anyhow…
Rash is intelligent and wildly brave. She dresses
fashionably and consistently. She is beautiful, loyal and outrageously funny.
Rash is successful and determined. She does what she wants and she doesn’t fucking
care if you like it.
Rash is also a complete freak.
where your poop is
I thought about this while hovering over a seedy toilet at a bar.
The floor was gross, and there was a quarter sitting in the gross. I was so conflicted as to whether I should risk getting hepatitis and pick it up, or walk away from the game.
I've gotten a new twitter account, as the old one was hijacked and destroyed. You guys should all follow me on twitter, cuz I spread them smiles like they're herpes - BITCHES!
https://twitter.com/_candyforbfast
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https://twitter.com/_candyforbfast
shame on me
Not long ago, I made my big move from Europe to North America. And I’ve started to do this thing that I hate that I do. It’s a really big nope. It’s so wrong and confusing and I try so hard not to do it while I’m actively doing it. Moving here, I’ve noticed people here have this nasty habit:
Dudes fucking spit.
I do not like this. I don’t know why they do this, is it a penis thing? I don’t know. And I guess I don’t really need to know. All I know is that when they spit...my brain and I have a conflict of will power. I can be walking around all ‘raindrops on rosé and whisky in mittens’ and then I hear that “AAAaaaaargggttttttth SPLAT!” and ...oh God, I’m so gross.
This is the thing I do - disgustingly, unbearably, without fail, I do it – I look at their god damn spittle. That’s right. I shamefully look at the ugly mouth deuce that was spat out on the ground. And it’s bad enough that I look at it, but if I hear the splat and don’t see where it lands...I LOOK FOR IT!
And it’s never ok, I never look down and think “oh what a delightful slop that man just made with this mucus membranes!”, It always looks like day old vanilla custard and I always want to stop living afterwards. The shame and absolute revulsion that enters my body from this just sits and festers in the very core of my existence and will probably end up destroying me and likely planet earth.
So if you’re reading this and you’re a spitter, please stop. You’re going to kill us all.
Dudes fucking spit.
I do not like this. I don’t know why they do this, is it a penis thing? I don’t know. And I guess I don’t really need to know. All I know is that when they spit...my brain and I have a conflict of will power. I can be walking around all ‘raindrops on rosé and whisky in mittens’ and then I hear that “AAAaaaaargggttttttth SPLAT!” and ...oh God, I’m so gross.
This is the thing I do - disgustingly, unbearably, without fail, I do it – I look at their god damn spittle. That’s right. I shamefully look at the ugly mouth deuce that was spat out on the ground. And it’s bad enough that I look at it, but if I hear the splat and don’t see where it lands...I LOOK FOR IT!
And it’s never ok, I never look down and think “oh what a delightful slop that man just made with this mucus membranes!”, It always looks like day old vanilla custard and I always want to stop living afterwards. The shame and absolute revulsion that enters my body from this just sits and festers in the very core of my existence and will probably end up destroying me and likely planet earth.
So if you’re reading this and you’re a spitter, please stop. You’re going to kill us all.
eke's here to party
I’ve been gone for while. I was trying to be sneaky about it, but I guess you guys noticed. I even received hate mail from anonymous dumdums asking “what is your fucking deal? You can’t just disappear” and “where do you come off? If you want to be successful you have to keep posting!” and “Whatever, I didn’t really like your undeveloped cunt jokes anyway. Be gone”. According to these guys, I am the worst.
On the flipside, I also got some lovely emails from nerds saying they genuinely missed eke and hoped that I had not dropped dead. I liked these emails better.
Well, I’m not deaded. I did however bump uglies with a boy and made a tiny human with my genitals. And as such, my life now runs on a combustion engine of coffee and diapers. My productive-tasks-to-nugget-shit ratio is about 0.5 to 48. Which means that for every 48 hours, I get about 30 minutes of normal stuff accomplished (like, for instance, coming up with “undeveloped cunt jokes”) thereby the reason as to why it has taken me approximately 1 year to complete this entry.
The intention is there, I sit down to write, but then the nugget walks into a wall and I end up googling “baby runs into walls” which leads to a series of butt sweats and me making demonic hyena noises whilst emailing Papa nugget saying “DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MONKEY RABIES INTERGALACTIC EYE AIDS?! NUGGS HAS RUN INTO THE WALL TWICE TODAY I THINK HE HAS IT CALL THE 911!”. And by the time I’ve manually released my butt cheeks and relaxed enough to write, three weeks have passed and I’m exhausted.
This new expert aptitude to turn anything the nugget does into butt sweat is only rivaled by my ability to turn butt sweat into fear, shame and chin acne.
But I digress. (Am I? Because, I have a slight suspicion that this entry is going absolutely fucking nowhere). The more pressing problem is really that, in the little time I do have to blarg, after not having posted an eke in over a year I feel like whatever I put up now has to be spectacular to make up for it. However, all I can come up with is this and I am so sorry:
Everybody be cool!!
1) While this does sound implausible, it is in fact true. Jellyfish poop from their mouths. Their MOTHER FUCKING MOUTHS! So, huzzah to those freaks!
2) No mention of vaginas. You see, I’m turning over a new leaf, it’s…ugh, fine ya big whiners:
Having a fankengina situation in between my legs is now the backbone of my self-confidence. It is the source of my inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely and unacceptably unfunny. And I realize that not everybody finds a frankengina very funny…but then again there are also significant numbers of people who enjoy being peed on or watching Carrot Top perform….
On the flipside, I also got some lovely emails from nerds saying they genuinely missed eke and hoped that I had not dropped dead. I liked these emails better.
Well, I’m not deaded. I did however bump uglies with a boy and made a tiny human with my genitals. And as such, my life now runs on a combustion engine of coffee and diapers. My productive-tasks-to-nugget-shit ratio is about 0.5 to 48. Which means that for every 48 hours, I get about 30 minutes of normal stuff accomplished (like, for instance, coming up with “undeveloped cunt jokes”) thereby the reason as to why it has taken me approximately 1 year to complete this entry.
The intention is there, I sit down to write, but then the nugget walks into a wall and I end up googling “baby runs into walls” which leads to a series of butt sweats and me making demonic hyena noises whilst emailing Papa nugget saying “DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MONKEY RABIES INTERGALACTIC EYE AIDS?! NUGGS HAS RUN INTO THE WALL TWICE TODAY I THINK HE HAS IT CALL THE 911!”. And by the time I’ve manually released my butt cheeks and relaxed enough to write, three weeks have passed and I’m exhausted.
This new expert aptitude to turn anything the nugget does into butt sweat is only rivaled by my ability to turn butt sweat into fear, shame and chin acne.
But I digress. (Am I? Because, I have a slight suspicion that this entry is going absolutely fucking nowhere). The more pressing problem is really that, in the little time I do have to blarg, after not having posted an eke in over a year I feel like whatever I put up now has to be spectacular to make up for it. However, all I can come up with is this and I am so sorry:
Everybody be cool!!
1) While this does sound implausible, it is in fact true. Jellyfish poop from their mouths. Their MOTHER FUCKING MOUTHS! So, huzzah to those freaks!
2) No mention of vaginas. You see, I’m turning over a new leaf, it’s…ugh, fine ya big whiners:
Having a fankengina situation in between my legs is now the backbone of my self-confidence. It is the source of my inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely and unacceptably unfunny. And I realize that not everybody finds a frankengina very funny…but then again there are also significant numbers of people who enjoy being peed on or watching Carrot Top perform….
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