how to flirt well

I am a terrible flirt. When I was single, my attempts in flirtation were such disasters that my vagina would reach out from between my legs and slap me across the face (splat!).

I was - and still am - convinced that everyone else's dates were like short romantic comedies. With perfectly timed clumsy head buts that predictably lead to the magical moment of their first kiss. My version was something more like me tripping over something ridiculous like a leaf, falling in a puddle of hobo crack barf, and nervously sweating so much my pickachu smelled like crab cakes.

I mean, one time a poor soul went in to kiss me and I just kept talking right into his mouth like some kind of strung out schizophrenic. And then I must have said something funny, cause I then proceeded to laugh in his mouth - right in it. Talking and laughing, in his mouth. At this point my vagina wasn't even mad at me…he* was just disappointed. 

But my story ends well, as I am getting married to a man, a thing of wonder. 

*yep, my cunt's a dude

28 comments:

  1. Lol well congratulations on the getting married to a man part - that's really nice to hear!

    Was it his mouth that you talked and laughed into when you were kissed? It actually sounds sort of sweet ;-)

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    1. Thank you. And yes, it was him.

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    2. Totally romantic... to be shut up by a kiss! (you indicate that you weren't shut up - but I trust that eventually he won the battle)

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  2. hahaha i love it!

    CONGRATULATIONS!

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    1. Thanks eef! It's coming up pretty quickly...16th June!

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  3. What kind of guy kisses a girl when she's obviously in the middle of saying something hilarious? Good for you for being so forgiving as to marry the guy anyway. (and Congratulations! :)

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    1. He's kind of almost as awkward as I am, and I also give no warning as to when my funny is going to explode. It just happens. The whole situation was just really awkward and sweaty. (Thanks!)

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  4. Hahaha well congrats on finding someone who likes your crabcaked pikachu...:P

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    1. Thanks Gia. Pickachu has recovered since...thank god.

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  5. Hahaha this is hilarious. If your vagina is Pikachu and it slaps you across the face, you must get a nasty shock.

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    1. Yes, pickachu = vagina. It's not so much a shock as it is just messy and awkward.

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  6. Hey, thanks for stopping by, and I'm glad you found us, because this is hilarious. Your cunt is a dude named Pikachu with the nervous sweats. You just cannot find that kind of creativity in other blogs.

    Gladly followed.

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    1. creativity...? Man, I love the internet. When I say this shit out loud people usually look at me like I have a butthole growing out of my forehead.

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  7. I feel your pain. My husband, then boyfriend, told me I was a bad kisser when we first started dating. Thankfully he decided to teach me with practice instead of running away in horror.

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  8. yay you're getting married! Pikachu has got a friend *thumbs up*

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    1. I am indeed getting married - to a BOY. A real one with glasses, important ones.

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  9. He he he - 'cunt slap' ha! ha! better than a bitch slap any day! and what? getting married? That thing of wonder better have a sense of humour. Congratulations!

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    1. I mean, he bought me a vagina colouring book and a chocolate calculator. He's perfect.

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  10. Hahaha! Loved this post. I have nothing witty to add.

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  11. Also, I thought I should just clarify that I did not just get engaged. Although your congratulations are making my day...here is when it happened:

    http://www.candyforbfast.com/2011/05/also.html

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  12. Flirting can be really hard sometimes but you have to do it for something to happen. Thanks.

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  13. Hahaha, this is awesome. You are really good

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  14. Well congratulations for the newly weds! I hope I can find my love one soon i've been looking at plentyoffish.com for a perfect partner for me.

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