shame on me

Not long ago, I made my big move from Europe to North America.  And I’ve started to do this thing that I hate that I do. It’s a really big nope.  It’s so wrong and confusing and I try so hard not to do it while I’m actively doing it. Moving here, I’ve noticed people here have this nasty habit:

Dudes fucking spit.

I do not like this. I don’t know why they do this, is it a penis thing? I don’t know. And I guess I don’t really need to know. All I know is that when they spit...my brain and I have a conflict of will power.  I can be walking around all ‘raindrops on rosé and whisky in mittens’ and then I hear that “AAAaaaaargggttttttth SPLAT!” and ...oh God, I’m so gross.

This is the thing I do - disgustingly, unbearably, without fail, I do it – I look at their god damn spittle. That’s right. I shamefully look at the ugly mouth deuce that was spat out on the ground. And it’s bad enough that I look at it, but if I hear the splat and don’t see where it lands...I LOOK FOR IT!

And it’s never ok, I never look down and think “oh what a delightful slop that man just made with this mucus membranes!”,  It always looks like day old vanilla custard and I always want to stop living afterwards. The shame and absolute revulsion that enters my body from this just sits and festers in the very core of my existence and will probably end up destroying me and likely planet earth.

So if you’re reading this and you’re a spitter, please stop. You’re going to kill us all.


12 comments:

  1. We're on the SAME CONTINENT??? Tell me you're in Chicago. People spit a LOT around here.

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  2. you should try to catch it in your mouth. It tastes good and warm like tea.

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    1. Annnnnnnd, Im dead inside now - "warm like tea"??! - NO! NOT COOL!

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  3. Embarrassingly, I can't even spit properly. I drool. How awful is that?

    (welcome back! SQUEEEE!!)

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    1. Surprisingly, I can spit like a hairy southern farmer. Maybe I could teach you sometime. Maybe.

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  4. Spitting is nasty. That's why I only projectile vomit to clear all of my slobber. People say carrying around a vomit bucket is disgusting, but would they rather I projectile vomit on the street like some savage?

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  5. I am a precision spitter. I can nail a 1 inch target from 15 feet away. Although it depends on the consistency of the spit itself. If it is watered down it will likely spray everywhere. But if I could hock up a nice thick, mucusy loogey it will maintain its weight and form and make aiming much easier.

    Welcome to the continent!

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  6. Ugh. Men. Spitting. They should thank their lucky stars we still need them for procreation, otherwise . . . .

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  7. FINALLY someone else gets it!!!!! I do not understand the spitting. Like seriously didn't your mother ever teach you not to be a fecking wanker

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