my dickhead

Dickhead is my older sister. Pretty much, I call her Dickhead because she looks like a penis.

Fine, she doesn't look like a penis. Dickhead is a stunning version of Sandra Bullock with deep brown eyes that merge effortlessly with her well-groomed eyebrows. She is a spectacular mother.

Dickhead is a badass, there is no other way of putting it. I  mean, she doesn’t carry out ridiculous feats of bad-assery, like fighting invisible rabid spider monkeys, she just has her shit together.

Dickhead is loyal, and I know that I can always count on her. She can get anyone out of a sticky situation using only her right handed bitch-slap. A bitch-slap so intense that it would even make Chuck Norris start to menstruate and cry like a little bitch. It's a magic bullet of pure power. Everyone respects it. Everyone fears it.

She is widely hilarious. When Wildabeast was about six, Dickhead taught her some valuable facts of life. Like, that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being, which is why, she explained, blow jobs were invented.

The Dickhead story started a few years ago, before Dickhead's nugget was spawned. It was a rare occasion as the entire family (including attachments) was present. We were all sitting at the family table having dinner. My father started to moustache something about each of his daughters...."this one is pretty and this one is smart and this one is slutty"

He gets to my older sister, points at her and just says:

and she was like:

And the rest of us were like:

And then he was like:

"Listen, you're the biggest dickhead I know"

"Look at you! You're being a dickhead right now!"

"You're the epitome of a dickhead, everyone knows it. We talk about it all the time!"

"You're just such a dickhead!"

At this point, the rest of us were falling over ourselves laughing. My older sister's head had exploded and my Dad was moustaching about how she is the mother of all dickheads louder and louder in order to be heard over everyone.

It was here that he explained how she is a dickhead because she knows what she wants, doesn't take no for an answer, blablablbalbla. My brother-in-law interjected in an effort to halt my older sister from further combustion. The man took a plunge of death and corrected my father.

Then things got super awesome because my father asked:

"oh, then what's a dickhead???"