rash, she calls it anal

I have this friend. Her name is Rash, and holy crap is she awesome. I call her Rash because she is a demon masturbator (her cooter probably gets all chafed and overused, hence ‘Rash’).

One of my favorite things about her is that we don’t even have to talk about how, pretty much, I am her favorite person. To be honest, I think she likes me so much; it essentially blurs the line between our friendship and lesbianism. Anyhow…

Rash is intelligent and wildly brave. She dresses fashionably and consistently. She is beautiful, loyal and outrageously funny. Rash is successful and determined. She does what she wants and she doesn’t fucking care if you like it.  

Rash is also a complete freak.

She has an artist’s eye for bumping uglies with gentlemen. Her vagina is not unlike Las Vegas - high traffic and full of glitter. She has no problem asking a guy from across the room to come over and sit on her face until her itch is scratched.  I’m telling you, this woman is one bold, boss, ball breaking mother fucker. She will not have your shit. She will not have it.

 "emotional compatibility and penis size are not mutually exclusive." - Rash 

twitter

I've gotten a new twitter account, as the old one was hijacked and destroyed.  You guys should all follow me on twitter, cuz I spread them smiles like they're herpes - BITCHES!

https://twitter.com/_candyforbfast

racism

I am not a racist. I know this because I went to a Tyler Perry movie once.

Racism in an ugly, ugly thing.  Unless you make it about penises, then it's just funny.

Oh man, penises are hilarious. If I had one I think I would rub it on everyone, regardless of whether they are in the mood.

open letter to my dad

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry for the time I broke your flashlight and blamed it on the rain, I'm sorry for the time I made you leave your party to come pick me up from a sleepover because I was scared of the girl's smelly grandmother, I'm sorry for giving you an ant for your birthday once, I'm sorry for being a really annoying teenager and thinking I always knew better, I'm sorry for stealing your moustache scissors to cut my nails, I'm sorry for all those buttmunch boys that I brought home and made you entertain, I'm sorry for the time I got lost in LA cause I wanted to see the parrot that spat fire, I'm sorry for accidentally slapping you in the face that one time you woke me up early for school, I'm sorry for the broken windows and breaking mom's vagina.

true story

boy's anatomy

This is not a vagina joke.