no!

Being an adult is sometimes so bloody awful, especially so in the mornings. Maybe mornings are easier when you're Kate Middleton - or say - John Stamos. I feel like such beautiful people get to wake up to gentle kisses, fresh daisies and a feeling of warmth which let's them know they're safe. My mornings consist of me being dunked in a vat of fuck. And being an adult, mornings and I do not go well together - like hummus and chocolate.

Probably just like every second person in the world, the only redeeming factor of being an adult, awake at 7am and going to work is getting to drink coffee. And this morning's coffee shop episode made me laugh.

I was in such a particularly bad way this morning because I had not played my cards right on the tube and didn’t get a seat. I ended up spending 15 minutes with my face rammed up against the glass door and someone's walking stick wedged up my ass.

You know how there are usually two nerds behind the counter, the one that takes your order and the one that makes your order? Yeah, well this morning, a beautiful blond nerd took my order (she probably is woken up a la John Stamos) and I almost cried at what came next. She would not stop TALKING TO ME about the WEATHER about the WEEK, "oooh tomorrow's Fridaaaaay!!!". I was minutes away from screaming "God I wish you would just shut up. Why are you talking so loud?! What is wrong with you? Cant you tell that I'm on the very brink of a nervous breakdown and that any immediate noise may just instigate it?! It could be the very demise of my sanity you foolish little beautiful woman!!! For the good of humanity coffee woman SHUT UP!" and laying the side of my face on the counter and calling it a day.  

Then I heard "JUAN GRANDE SKEEEENIE LATTE" from the Mexicoffee angel nerd that makes the orders....fuck.yes. I immediately ditched the blond and replied "mine" trying to sound as cool as possible when actually I wanted to kiss her big cheeks and give her a 'best friends forever' bracelet. 

What are some of your morning horror stories? 

lemon

Dale Carnegie coined the phrase, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" sometime before 1950. And now everyone seems to have their own version of the expression.

Today, this is mine.

Alternatively, one could also peel the lemon skin off to make tiny lemon helmets for say, a cat.

Also, I found a few old doodles in a random file on my computer which make no sense. According to these doodles, I am completely batshit. So without further ado, I introduce to you - a bunch of crap:

pregnancy

Most immature thing about me: it makes me uncomfortable when people tell me they are pregnant.

Not because the thought of that person having sex makes me uncomfortable or that I don't like kids. In fact, I actually like being around pregnant women because they tend to be really open about their lady parts and tell me about them in great detail. When my older sister dickhead was pregnant with Napoleon I got to learn all about how  a woman's pikachu turns purple and also mucus plugs.

No, it's not the pregnancy that makes me uncomfortable, it's the physical announcement that makes me twitch. Cause of the congratulations.

When it comes down to the moment you are meant to congratulate someone on their pregnancy, I go right to the peen. All I can think about is how I am essentially congratulating someone for not having made a cum stain.

My brain activates psychological chaos mode and my butt starts to sweat cause all I can do is think about how funny the situation actually is and then I start to picture myself patting their genitals in a congratulatory manner which is uncomfortable and funny at the same time so I am trying not to giggle or spray-spit laugh and I'm still sweating and then I explode on the inside.

http://iblog4.me

http://iblog4.me

buttons & crap

I decided to put some of my mantra's on buttons. More to come, but these are just this morning's picks. 

If you're interested in purchasing these, or any other candyforbreakfast nonsense, please visit my zazzle store: 

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/candyforbreakfast

happy valentine's day

Happy Valentine's Day, from candyforbreakfast.

too many Mondays

..."is it Monday yet!? Mondays are my fav" - says no one, ever. 

It is my belief that Monday's only purpose is to remind me that I am an adult. It's not what I like. And I can not brain on Mondays. I have the dumbs and functioning at half-capacity is pretty much the best I can do, which is not very adult (and "half-capacity" was a lie). 

ugh, Mondays...I wish I could outsource living through those fuckers to India. 

poop soup

Animals poop a lot. Especially when being boiled alive. 

pardonay mwah

Being French is tricky. It doesn't matter what you say or where you live, and some point or another, you're going to get slapped for it. That's just the way it is and it's kind of awesome.

I say being French is tricky because it's quite double edged in the sense that yes, we have a smokin' hot first lady who shared her lady juices with the likes of Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton, but her husband has the leadership skills of a gerbil....you can't win.  

french kissing!

Fairly certain this is how it's done. 

biggest disappointment EVER!

I'd rather be eating chocolate. All of the time. 

feelings

Most mornings, I have no idea what I am doing out of bed. And all of the time, I am not happy about whatever situation is happening around me.

Rise? If I must. 

Shine? NON!

dino-mite

I think that maybe T-Rex's are so destructive because their arms are so short they can't scratch their itches. I also think that a long time ago, a T-Rex fell in love cause she was crying and this man bunny came to her rescue and helped her get her coat off and then 

Kangaroos happened.