eke's here to party

I’ve been gone for while. I was trying to be sneaky about it, but I guess you guys noticed.  I even received hate mail from anonymous dumdums asking “what is your fucking deal? You can’t just disappear” and “where do you come off? If you want to be successful you have to keep posting!” and “Whatever, I didn’t really like your undeveloped cunt jokes anyway. Be gone”. According to these guys, I am the worst.

On the flipside, I also got some lovely emails from nerds saying they genuinely missed eke and hoped that I had not dropped dead. I liked these emails better.

Well, I’m not deaded. I did however bump uglies with a boy and made a tiny human with my genitals. And as such, my life now runs on a combustion engine of coffee and diapers. My productive-tasks-to-nugget-shit ratio is about 0.5 to 48. Which means that for every 48 hours, I get about 30 minutes of normal stuff accomplished (like, for instance, coming up with “undeveloped cunt jokes”) thereby the reason as to why it has taken me approximately 1 year to complete this entry.

The intention is there, I sit down to write, but then the nugget walks into a wall and I end up googling “baby runs into walls” which leads to a series of butt sweats and me making demonic hyena noises whilst emailing Papa nugget saying “DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MONKEY RABIES INTERGALACTIC EYE AIDS?! NUGGS HAS RUN INTO THE WALL TWICE TODAY I THINK HE HAS IT CALL THE 911!”. And by the time I’ve manually released my butt cheeks and relaxed enough to write, three weeks have passed and I’m exhausted.

This new expert aptitude to turn anything the nugget does into butt sweat is only rivaled by my ability to turn butt sweat into fear, shame and chin acne.

But I digress. (Am I? Because, I have a slight suspicion that this entry is going absolutely fucking nowhere). The more pressing problem is really that, in the little time I do have to blarg, after not having posted an eke in over a year I feel like whatever I put up now has to be spectacular to make up for it. However, all I can come up with is this and I am so sorry:

Everybody be cool!!

1) While this does sound implausible, it is in fact true. Jellyfish poop from their mouths. Their MOTHER FUCKING MOUTHS! So, huzzah to those freaks!

2) No mention of vaginas. You see, I’m turning over a new leaf, it’s…ugh, fine ya big whiners:

Having a fankengina situation in between my legs is now the backbone of my self-confidence. It is the source of my inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely and unacceptably unfunny. And I realize that not everybody finds a frankengina very funny…but then again there are also significant numbers of people who enjoy being peed on or watching Carrot Top perform….