a pregnant pause

eke is not handling this news very well...

To be fair, neither did I. When I found out that husband had filled my vagina with the filthy semen that will eventually become our child, I was in complete shock.

While husband can take his sweet time getting use to the idea -  on account that he has nine months or so to adjust - I, on the other hand, was immediately slapped across the face by mother nature. bitch.

One minute I was blissfully drunk on an island in the Caribbean, the next I was back home peeing on a stick and SPLAT - my life was instantaneously stripped of all the good in the world.

No Alcohol (oh, sweet satan juice how I miss you) 

No Coffee

No Cigarettes

No Soft cheese

No Smoked seafood

No Raw meat

No Deli meat

No Shellfish

No anything unpasteurised

I feel like women should get some kind of temporary pregnancy reprieve to experience something of a 'last hoorah'. A zygote-free night, with lots of explosions, minor nudity, pink wine and lots of tuxedos. Then we can go back to being pregnant.

 But that's not how it works, unfortunately, because mother nature is a vagina hating lunatic.

Where is Allie Brosh?