spiders


I may not be okay with spiders. I know, it's so gay balls, but it's true (as you'll note from a previous post, [linky dink] I also do not enjoy the lady bugs for personal reasons - spiders I hate because they are god damn awful).

What's wrong with them? Almost everything. I mean, did you know that a spider's carapace, if sufficiently scaled, could adequately shield a nuclear blast? Spiders are evil beast machines that will end up killing us all if we don't watch our backs and start sleeping with our damn mouths closed. 

The entrance to my flat has had one lurking in the doorway for the past like, 8 weeks. Everyday, I pass it with great tact, careful not to disrupt the beast as I'm too big of a wimper to try and do anything about it…Today I walked by and, "whuck!?" -  it was not there any more which is the WORST because it means it could be anywhere, like in my hair - aak! Worst thing. More worster than anal rot!  


This spider thing generated a few cartoons, please deal with it because I can not. 

paperclit

Got a new computer at the office and I would just like to say: SHUT UP you hyperactive paperclip with a God complex! 

The paperclip is only a good thing if you like to swallow poo. 

I can not get through a single sentence without that thing coming up out of nowhere, asking me questions and yelling at me for typing comparbles wrong - it's a hard word to type for me! Or sits there blinking,  no I am not writing a letter, no I don't need help thanks, no I really am not bothered about the spacing, "Options...Choose Assistant...Animate!" How about "Suck my shit"

Does it even actually help me with my grammar? No. It just tells me that everything I type is a fragment and that I consider revising it. Consider.my.clam. 

I realise that I cursed a lot in this post, and I am okay with it. 

show-off

little dollop of fuckery

I thought about it, and I decided that babies are like the dingleberry* of the sex. A little delinquent nugget of fuck matter which remains attached to the uterus causing a crust to form which will eventually grow to destroy you.

*a dingleberry is a partial turd which grasps to anal shrubbery causing brownish crust to accumulate in ones panties.

jerking off

We each masturbate in our own little special ways. We're like tiny masturbating snowflakes, fluttering around to the sound of our own five knuckle shuffle....

you look bored

worry

Sometimes I sit and worry about all the things at once.



sex please!

it's Friday and i'm horny.


save the children

oxygenate the breasts

man v. beast

In my opinion, the argument that opposable thumbs are what separates mankind from most beasts is totes flurft (which is a word I just made up that means exaggerated, sweaty and dull ALL AT THE SAME TIME).

My qualm is, why doesn't anyone ever talk about this:


I think what really sets mankind apart from most beasts is that mankind can grow a mean moustache. Beasts can not. Most beasts just throw their faeces around.
So quit waving your opposable thumbs at me and grow a God damn 'stache. Plus, it will match beautifully with your favourite argyle jumper.

finger fly


dell makes vaginas

I realise that I am putting up a lot of nonsense today...but I just had to say something about this.


Next time your fingers are strateling your mouse, take a look, cause you're making a vagina.

If any of you have a tan mouse out there...I would lurve to see some photos so please email them to me here! 

underwear

next time you eat Indian food...think of the shitty work you're putting down your pants.
fart. 

bbq clam

love like you need money, work when people are watching....

anxiety

an anxiety paradox...

fiancé. . .

dear hangover,


hangovers can eat my poo.

dis much

dumdum's world

shakin' like a dog shittin' peach pits

My neighbour and part time trophy wife is a lovely English rose. She is pure in thought, word and deed...and that's why we're soul mates. I was put on this earth to pollute her clam.

Trophy wife has an amazing KateWinsletteJudiDenchHughGrant -esque accent with which I use to narrate my life with in my head (in her accent, "beer can" sounds like "bacon" with a Jamaican accent).


Out of nowhere one day, trophy wife spoke with an American accent and it was weird. Like, "paddle faster I hear banjos" weird. She went from proper English rose to Southern bucktoothed weed in a flash and I loved every minute of it.

little love fuzz

found in belly button. i'm not even wearing a pink shirt. weird.


right now. . .

i may not be awake.

hugs

awww.


I actually hate hugs. I don't like gettin'em and I don't like givin'em. I am like a frggin' koala, it may look like you want to hug me, but upon closer inspection you will see a small scratched out sign around my neck that says "back up off, I'll scratch your shit apart".

I also hate when girls say "I love you" to me. It puts a weird taste in my mouth and makes me want to throw my uterus on the floor. 

And, unless youre a Thai female, I hate massages too. 

a special kind of vomit

i'm not entirely sure what happened here...


inside her box

why think outside the box when you can think inside your own! Yay!!!

facebook

I just realised that my facebook button was being a donkey. I've fixed it now.

I've decided that I need to get to 500 fans. And there is a prize in it for the 500th fan as well as for the person who referred he/she/it. The prize may be a chunk of wildabeast's unkempt hair, a cartoon about you, a rocket ship, an eke t-shirt, some gold, a raccoon...who the blurg knows. Just help this moi get to 500 and we'll talk.

Being stuck at 467 is giving me diarrhoea cramps.

ohhh sheet

one sheet left? challenge accepted mother fucker.

and if youre ever in a real pickle - use the hair-dryer! 

acoustics of crotch kicking

I was having a conversation with my friend about how that day at work I had slammed into the turnstile vagina first (thump) and thought of this... 

male crotch kicking sounds like this:

female crotch kicking sounds like this: