Stupid boy doctor stole a pint of blood from me this morning. Now I feel like a walrus on ketamines.
I do not enjoy the ladybugs. They are elfin nuggets of killing wrapped in terror.
And before you judge me as being brutish and dead on the inside, I will have you know that when I was little I fell asleep in a field above our house and woke up with those freaks trying to destroy me via encrustation. In my armpits and my ears and my mouth, STOP IT!
My smallest sister is amazing. And whilst she is beautiful, she still unquestionably blurs the line between human and wildabeast.
Why my sister is a wildabeast:
- I don’t think that she ever brushed her hair before she turned 18. Showering and brushing her teeth were done by tying her down with ropes and throwing soap water at her.
- She did not like toys. She mostly spent her days hanging out inside a bucket along with my cat and dog, who were also in the bucket. And when she was not hanging out with them in the bucket, she was either tying them together for entertainment and walking them around, shaving all of their hair off (including her own), putting double sided tape on their paws to watch them "dance", eating their kibble…
- She never wore clothes, ever. And between the dog, cat and herself, she was the last one to be housetrained.
- When she was about 5 years old, she came up to me and my older sister with news, she wallowed: she is a lesbian because of how much she loved her friend Francesca.
- She got very tan one summer and asked me if she was black.
- She kicked me in the shin once and I had a bruise there for over a year. She also use to drop kick any boy who entered our house.
- Her favourite movie was not a Disney classic, but a death ridden WWII movie about two kids being left as orphans and making a pet cemetery - "Jeux Interdits".
- She once gave my dad a loaf of crappy grocery store bread purchased with her allowance, wrapped in a paper towel for his birthday. She then turned to me and said "Why the hell has no one ever thought of this before!? Dad loves bread. I'm a friggin' whiz kid!"
- She had a robot. His name was Emilio.